unimportant

AU Unimportant

I've learned a lot about myself over this past year. I've grown more than I actually thought I have.
I'm more mature but still the exact same person that's afraid of everything.
Afraid of trying and afraid to do things because I blame it on a mental illness and it has to stop but I don't think it will.
People say that you have to try and get over it but is it really possible to get over something you never really asked for?
I can't understand how I think.
 I don't think anyone will be able to understand.
So with that being said why do I still believe that someone will love me?

I can pretend that I'm alright but I'm exhausted of living the same way I have been for the past 3 years now.  I want to make my parents proud of who I am and I want to feel appreciated by them. 
I'm not okay but I'm better than I was 5 - 4 years ago.
I've become more in control of my emotions and it's actually harder to cry about things.
I have nobody but I'm so used to being alone that it doesn't bother me.
I try too hard to make people like me or notice me.

I'm okay with how I am. But I'm not okay with being okay with it.

I have to make my life worth living and make the best of it.
My parents aren't always going to be here and I'm aware of that.
I don't know how to make things better.
I wish they were better.

Wishing is something that never gets anything done.

I hope the next time I decide to read this blog, if I don't forget about it that I'm better than I am.

I've learned to let go of people, and I've learned to grow out of them.
I've learned that hurting myself physically is never the answer.
I've learned that being emotional is okay.
I've learned that having a mental illness isn't anyone's fault.
I've learned to grow up.
I've learned so much by just observing.
I've learned to teach myself things.

I taught myself my own values and how I see people.

I want to  be someone that helps others know that it's okay for them to be feeling the way they are because I know what's it's like to be in a dark place. I want to make others feel okay with themselves because I know what it's like to not have someone be proud of you.

Whether it be because they're still breathing and alive or because they accomplished the smallest thing, like getting out of bed to eat. Or walking outside to get a fresh breath of air.

It's important to know that you're important, and that even the smallest things you do matter.

Maybe I won't know what it's like for someone to do that but I want someone else to at least feel like they're appreciated because of  it.

I know dreams are sometimes impossible but I dream about myself being someone that matters.
I dream that I'm a better person than who I really am.

I love myself for being so intelligent and complex when it comes to thinking.
I really love the smallest things about myself.
I may not like my appearance but I appreciate it.
I'm glad I went through everything that I have because that's why I am the way I am today.

But that also changed me into a different person negatively.

I don't love is the way I am or how I handle things.
I don't love how I don't love my parents enough.
I don't love how I don't try.
I don't love how I dream too big.
I hate that I'm overly sensitive to things.

I hate the negative aspects of me.

I wish things would be different but I don't know how to make them different.

Where are you now?

Well look at me 5 years later.
Still the same piece of trash as usual.
I don't know whether to say I've matured or not.
I will say this however I'm more aware of what I identify with.
I'm not gay, I'm not a lesbian.
I like girls.
My gender is male and my name is Max.
I'm androgynous.
That's all there really is.
Lately I've felt so trashy. So lonely and tired. 
I'm 20 years and I'm not where I thought I be when I started this blog.
I thought I'd tell my parents about who I am. I thought I would be more successful.
But I'm literally nothing.
I don't know if I'm using my mental disorder as an excuse.
But I can't breathe anymore.
It's hard for me to get a job and school isn't available because I don't meet the requirements.
I'm a disappointment to the past me.
I'm a disappointment to me.
I haven't been in a relationship in 2 years.
I haven't felt affection.
I love affection and I'm a hopeless romantic.
How can I possibly survive without affection?
But again how can I be in a relationship if that's also difficult for me.
How can I love if I'm such a huge ball social problems.
Remember how I said I went on a date? That date didn't end well. We didn't end well.  I was the most awkwardest person she ever had her first date with. Image her expressing her first date to everyone.
" Oh, them, they were "alright.""
Do you see how damaging I am?
Do you see how bad I am?
I can't even hold eye contact with myself.
I hate feeling like I'm always annoying.
I  hate myself so much.
I've accepted everything about myself except for the deepest core.
I need therapy.
I need sleep.
I need you.
Not you as in you but you as in me.
The real me. 
I also need someone to be my best friend.
Someone to understand me and love me unconditionally.
As just a friend. If even more is possible then even more too.
I hope in the future if I ever read this again I'm doing better.
I hope I'll be feeling better than I am now.
I hope my parents are proud of me.

Everything is not going so great for me anymore.
I lost my girlfriend, I lost my confidence in relationships.
I just feel like a great big ball of disappointment.
I'm always the one being broken up with.
It's not fair, that I have to have issues talking  to the person I like.
When will I be able to be happy.

It's me again. I've been telling some of my friends  about this girl. How I like her and stuff, well everyone keeps telling me that it's better for me to ask her than to never know. Honestly, I don't want things to get awkward between us.  She did at one point but I don't know anymore.  She wants to cuddle with me and I want to cuddle with her.  Could this be a mutual connection? Or maybe my imagination is playing harsh games with me again.  I really want to know if she feels the same.  I'm probably going to write a novel soon too.

Where Did You Go Self Conscious?

Recently opened up to my friends 12 months ago about my sexuality.  It was an amazing experience as all of them were accepting. Now if people were like that in real life then everything would be magical.  I've recently experienced another crush for a person while still kind of in love with my first girlfriend.  They're dorky, nerdy and make me smile a lot or at least they did until she moved to Iowa.  She  made a date for us in her home which was my actual first date and last date. I've felt really strong feelings and I'm confused. Life as someone who is gay and has parents that are maybe not that accepting is hard. I've denied my sexuality for over 5-6 years of my life,  faking that I was bisexual because "most girls who say they are" Aren't it was popular to do that now and then. I've accepted myself and I'm willing to be in a relationship without giving a crap about everyone else's opinion on me. I tried going to my exe's house because she's paranoid that the reason I don't talk to her is because she's with someone else and hurt me. When she just wants to be friends again, I don't. Why? because I have feelings and I'm willing to give my happiness away for her to be happy. I just don't think we can be friends because I have feelings for her still and it's possible I could get hurt more. It's a solem contradiction I live in. I've been wanting to come out to my parents but I haven't had the courage to do it because images of not being accepted keep popping in my head. It's not necessarily the life I asked for but I was born this way and I have to get used to the hate and the people who won't accept me for being into women. I'm only 17 and really have issues with this. I don't think I'll be able to break lose of who I am before the age of 20. My mother keeps asking me awkward question and I'm sure she'll find out one way or another about me.