AU Unimportant

I've learned a lot about myself over this past year. I've grown more than I actually thought I have.
I'm more mature but still the exact same person that's afraid of everything.
Afraid of trying and afraid to do things because I blame it on a mental illness and it has to stop but I don't think it will.
People say that you have to try and get over it but is it really possible to get over something you never really asked for?
I can't understand how I think.
 I don't think anyone will be able to understand.
So with that being said why do I still believe that someone will love me?

I can pretend that I'm alright but I'm exhausted of living the same way I have been for the past 3 years now.  I want to make my parents proud of who I am and I want to feel appreciated by them. 
I'm not okay but I'm better than I was 5 - 4 years ago.
I've become more in control of my emotions and it's actually harder to cry about things.
I have nobody but I'm so used to being alone that it doesn't bother me.
I try too hard to make people like me or notice me.

I'm okay with how I am. But I'm not okay with being okay with it.

I have to make my life worth living and make the best of it.
My parents aren't always going to be here and I'm aware of that.
I don't know how to make things better.
I wish they were better.

Wishing is something that never gets anything done.

I hope the next time I decide to read this blog, if I don't forget about it that I'm better than I am.

I've learned to let go of people, and I've learned to grow out of them.
I've learned that hurting myself physically is never the answer.
I've learned that being emotional is okay.
I've learned that having a mental illness isn't anyone's fault.
I've learned to grow up.
I've learned so much by just observing.
I've learned to teach myself things.

I taught myself my own values and how I see people.

I want to  be someone that helps others know that it's okay for them to be feeling the way they are because I know what's it's like to be in a dark place. I want to make others feel okay with themselves because I know what it's like to not have someone be proud of you.

Whether it be because they're still breathing and alive or because they accomplished the smallest thing, like getting out of bed to eat. Or walking outside to get a fresh breath of air.

It's important to know that you're important, and that even the smallest things you do matter.

Maybe I won't know what it's like for someone to do that but I want someone else to at least feel like they're appreciated because of  it.

I know dreams are sometimes impossible but I dream about myself being someone that matters.
I dream that I'm a better person than who I really am.

I love myself for being so intelligent and complex when it comes to thinking.
I really love the smallest things about myself.
I may not like my appearance but I appreciate it.
I'm glad I went through everything that I have because that's why I am the way I am today.

But that also changed me into a different person negatively.

I don't love is the way I am or how I handle things.
I don't love how I don't love my parents enough.
I don't love how I don't try.
I don't love how I dream too big.
I hate that I'm overly sensitive to things.

I hate the negative aspects of me.

I wish things would be different but I don't know how to make them different.