Well look at me 5 years later.
Still the same piece of trash as usual.
I don't know whether to say I've matured or not.
I will say this however I'm more aware of what I identify with.
I'm not gay, I'm not a lesbian.
I like girls.
My gender is male and my name is Max.
I'm androgynous.
That's all there really is.
Lately I've felt so trashy. So lonely and tired.
I'm 20 years and I'm not where I thought I be when I started this blog.
I thought I'd tell my parents about who I am. I thought I would be more successful.
But I'm literally nothing.
I don't know if I'm using my mental disorder as an excuse.
But I can't breathe anymore.
It's hard for me to get a job and school isn't available because I don't meet the requirements.
I'm a disappointment to the past me.
I'm a disappointment to me.
I haven't been in a relationship in 2 years.
I haven't felt affection.
I love affection and I'm a hopeless romantic.
How can I possibly survive without affection?
But again how can I be in a relationship if that's also difficult for me.
How can I love if I'm such a huge ball social problems.
Remember how I said I went on a date? That date didn't end well. We didn't end well. I was the most awkwardest person she ever had her first date with. Image her expressing her first date to everyone.
" Oh, them, they were "alright.""
Do you see how damaging I am?
Do you see how bad I am?
I can't even hold eye contact with myself.
I hate feeling like I'm always annoying.
I hate myself so much.
I've accepted everything about myself except for the deepest core.
I need therapy.
I need sleep.
I need you.
Not you as in you but you as in me.
The real me.
I also need someone to be my best friend.
Someone to understand me and love me unconditionally.
As just a friend. If even more is possible then even more too.
I hope in the future if I ever read this again I'm doing better.
I hope I'll be feeling better than I am now.
I hope my parents are proud of me.
